This is a letter I wrote to my friend to tell her to clean up her life before she ends up in a bad place.
"Amy,
You are my friend. We have been friends since 2005. We may not have met under the best circumstances, but we ended up kindred spirits of a like. I have seen you at some of the best times and at the worst. More so in recent years but then you've seen me in my worst times. We both have our scars from the world. We both have been harmed, but I see you doing yourself more harm then good. I see you and I hurt inside. I feel myself empathizing what you must be feeling. The sadness, grief, sorrow, darkness that I see you falling into, surrounds me. I want more than anything to reach out, grab hold of you, and pull you out of this darkness. I want to take you away from it and keep you safe. But I know I can't. I can't do what I want to do because it won't solve the problem.
There is no band-aide that I can put over your wound to allow it to heal. I can't take the drink out of your hand and throw away your liquor. I can't force you to make yourself better and to bring yourself out of the tailspin you are diving into. You think you are alone and that no one cares. You've think you can fix what is wrong on your own, without any help. What you don't realize is that you have been sitting in a pot of water that has been slowly heating up until now, you can't see that you are boiling to death.
What hurts me the most, is the fear that because I can't make you better, is that I will lose you. That hurts me more than anything. I have held you in my arms and held you in my heart. I care for you beyond love, beyond family and beyond friendship. I care about you Amy."
Over the last 2 weeks she has been in the hospital for liver and kidney problems. She is now in the ICU. The doctors have given her 48 hrs. I'm posting it up because I didn't get to give it to her. I'm going in to say goodbye to her tonight.
I said a rosary prayer 2 days ago asking that I have this opportunity. I'm glad I was heard. I got to speak to her. She was going in and out of consciousness. I hope she heard me.
Don't wait to tell the people you love that they are hurting themselves. Because while your waiting for the right time, you may find that they are already gone.
Amy passed away Sunday June 17th 2012 shortly after 1AM. I was on my way to see her but she passed as I was trying to find parking. The worst part is, when I got to the room and looked at her with her eyes shut, I remembered a dream where I was looking down at her exactly the same way. I had this dream 3 years earlier. I told her about it when she was still healthy. She told me that I was being over-dramatic.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
What happened this morning......
It's the day after the AVON WALK for Breast Cancer and I'm getting ready for work.
Before I head to the train like always, I have to take Andy, our pet Papillon, out for his daily bathroom break. So I get him leashed up, I head out the backdoor, down the steps out the door and he does his business. I bag it up, throw it out and head for the door to take him back inside. I reach down to my pocket and realize there is nothing there. My keys are supposed to be there, but they are NOT!
Panic sets in...I check my other pockets and I have nothing. No wallet, no cell phone, no keys, no NOTHING! I'm so screwed. My Fiancee is at work and no phone so can't call someone. Now this has happened before so I walk around to the front door and start hitting the door-buzzers for my neighbors. They are really friendly and have no problem helping me out. I hit each button 3 times. No responses. No one is home. I am so screwed!
I start thinking, what are my options? It's 8:50AM and I have to be at work at 10AM. No money so pay phones are out (even if I could find one functioning). I need to contact someone with spare key. Only person besides fiancee is parents. Now I need to get to a phone. I run through locations in my head and first option is the library that is 2 blocks away. I walk with Andy down the street to the library. Arrive about 5 minutes later and looking at the times, Closed till 10AM. FRAKK! Still screwed.
I walk away from the Library and start trying to think of alternatives. I know time is running out before I'm late to work and I need to let them know what is going on. Just then I look across the street and there is an office building. I figure that if they are open I can use the phone. Andy and I walk across the street and up to the door. I pull, but its locked. I turn towards the wall and see a speaker. Must be for people that don't have appointments. I start to move when the door buzzes and I look up to see a woman by a desk looking at me. I open the door and bring Andy in with me. I walk up to her and she greets me with a smile saying, "how can I help you?" She inhales briefly, "Oh, what a beautiful little dog!" she becomes enamored with Andy. I briefly explain the situation and she says, "Oh my, Of course you can use the phone. I've done that to myself many times."
She shows me the phone and tells me to just dial like a normal phone. I instantly call the a parents home phone. no answer. I call my Dad's cell phone. He picks up and I explain the situation. He responds," We are at the funeral." FRAKK! I forgot that my family is at a funeral for a member that died last week. I couldn't go because I had to work. Ask Dad's advice. He gives the best he can but all options won't work because I have no money, no ID and I have a dog. The only option he can give me is to call the locksmith he uses to have them open the door. He gives me the number. I write it down and he wishes me luck as he hangs up. I call work and inform them I'm going to be late, then I call the locksmith and make a appointment for 30 minutes later. From what the lady on the other end told me that it would cost me $72 dollars for the locksmith to pick the lock and if he couldn't get in, he would drill the lock. If he had to do that I would have to pay for replacing the door lock for the building. Frakk! I thank the very nice lady, she says her goodbyes to Andy and we head back down the street to wait.
I find a nice shady spot to sit and start thinking about this situation. Andy puts his legs up on my thigh and just pants away happily as I stroke his head and his back. This is the first time all weekend that I have had time to hang-out with him. I was walking all weekend for the Avon Walk and when I came home I was exhausted. Yesterday after the walk finished I had to get ready to go the wake for my departed family member. So I didn't have time to play with him or anything for 2 days. Granted my fiancee was there but I could tell that he really missed me. It felt good to play with him and I felt a little better. I start thinking that maybe this is punishment from God since I missed mass on Sunday. I honestly figured that walking for women with breast cancer and attending a wake would have been suitable exemptions, but I guess I was wrong.
While sitting with Andy a man comes around the corner and opens up the door to the laundry room. I hear a the window from the laundry room open and a hose comes out. He's one of the building maintenance guys! He has a key? A key that opened the outer door to the laundry room? The same key that would let me in the building. He comes back out through the laundry room door and I explain the situation. He says," Yeah I can let you in, just let me hook up this hose" I say "sure no problem, I can wait." On the inside I'm doing back-flips and jumping around like a overjoyed cartoon character, screaming YAHOOOO!!!
After he finishes hooking the hose up, he opens the door. I thank him profoundly and with Andy by my side head up the steps to my place. I jump on the phone and call the locksmith to cancel the appointment. I call and leave messages with the family that I'm heading to work. Finally I give Andy a treat, make sure he has plenty of water and the A/C is on. I grab my keys, wallet, bag and Car keys and head down to try and make it to work.
I arrived 10 minutes late. How's that for one CRAZY MORNING????!!!!
Before I head to the train like always, I have to take Andy, our pet Papillon, out for his daily bathroom break. So I get him leashed up, I head out the backdoor, down the steps out the door and he does his business. I bag it up, throw it out and head for the door to take him back inside. I reach down to my pocket and realize there is nothing there. My keys are supposed to be there, but they are NOT!
Panic sets in...I check my other pockets and I have nothing. No wallet, no cell phone, no keys, no NOTHING! I'm so screwed. My Fiancee is at work and no phone so can't call someone. Now this has happened before so I walk around to the front door and start hitting the door-buzzers for my neighbors. They are really friendly and have no problem helping me out. I hit each button 3 times. No responses. No one is home. I am so screwed!
I start thinking, what are my options? It's 8:50AM and I have to be at work at 10AM. No money so pay phones are out (even if I could find one functioning). I need to contact someone with spare key. Only person besides fiancee is parents. Now I need to get to a phone. I run through locations in my head and first option is the library that is 2 blocks away. I walk with Andy down the street to the library. Arrive about 5 minutes later and looking at the times, Closed till 10AM. FRAKK! Still screwed.
I walk away from the Library and start trying to think of alternatives. I know time is running out before I'm late to work and I need to let them know what is going on. Just then I look across the street and there is an office building. I figure that if they are open I can use the phone. Andy and I walk across the street and up to the door. I pull, but its locked. I turn towards the wall and see a speaker. Must be for people that don't have appointments. I start to move when the door buzzes and I look up to see a woman by a desk looking at me. I open the door and bring Andy in with me. I walk up to her and she greets me with a smile saying, "how can I help you?" She inhales briefly, "Oh, what a beautiful little dog!" she becomes enamored with Andy. I briefly explain the situation and she says, "Oh my, Of course you can use the phone. I've done that to myself many times."
She shows me the phone and tells me to just dial like a normal phone. I instantly call the a parents home phone. no answer. I call my Dad's cell phone. He picks up and I explain the situation. He responds," We are at the funeral." FRAKK! I forgot that my family is at a funeral for a member that died last week. I couldn't go because I had to work. Ask Dad's advice. He gives the best he can but all options won't work because I have no money, no ID and I have a dog. The only option he can give me is to call the locksmith he uses to have them open the door. He gives me the number. I write it down and he wishes me luck as he hangs up. I call work and inform them I'm going to be late, then I call the locksmith and make a appointment for 30 minutes later. From what the lady on the other end told me that it would cost me $72 dollars for the locksmith to pick the lock and if he couldn't get in, he would drill the lock. If he had to do that I would have to pay for replacing the door lock for the building. Frakk! I thank the very nice lady, she says her goodbyes to Andy and we head back down the street to wait.
I find a nice shady spot to sit and start thinking about this situation. Andy puts his legs up on my thigh and just pants away happily as I stroke his head and his back. This is the first time all weekend that I have had time to hang-out with him. I was walking all weekend for the Avon Walk and when I came home I was exhausted. Yesterday after the walk finished I had to get ready to go the wake for my departed family member. So I didn't have time to play with him or anything for 2 days. Granted my fiancee was there but I could tell that he really missed me. It felt good to play with him and I felt a little better. I start thinking that maybe this is punishment from God since I missed mass on Sunday. I honestly figured that walking for women with breast cancer and attending a wake would have been suitable exemptions, but I guess I was wrong.
While sitting with Andy a man comes around the corner and opens up the door to the laundry room. I hear a the window from the laundry room open and a hose comes out. He's one of the building maintenance guys! He has a key? A key that opened the outer door to the laundry room? The same key that would let me in the building. He comes back out through the laundry room door and I explain the situation. He says," Yeah I can let you in, just let me hook up this hose" I say "sure no problem, I can wait." On the inside I'm doing back-flips and jumping around like a overjoyed cartoon character, screaming YAHOOOO!!!
After he finishes hooking the hose up, he opens the door. I thank him profoundly and with Andy by my side head up the steps to my place. I jump on the phone and call the locksmith to cancel the appointment. I call and leave messages with the family that I'm heading to work. Finally I give Andy a treat, make sure he has plenty of water and the A/C is on. I grab my keys, wallet, bag and Car keys and head down to try and make it to work.
I arrived 10 minutes late. How's that for one CRAZY MORNING????!!!!
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